Life Journey

Jury Duty

Today I report for jury duty. It's my first go at it. After seeing several programs on TV about gross miscarriages of justice, I welcome the opportunity to do my civic duty and try to insure that doesn't happen on my watch. But I'll probably end up with a case of drunk and disorderly or some such thing. Hope it's not some long, drawn-out trial, though as I can't afford the time off from work.

Other big news is that the new "relationship" is now an "old" relationship, by mutual agreement. Nice when it happens that way. Shows you've got something in common after all. Also much less taxing for both parties. We just didn't have much in common from our taste in music (a song that just knocks me out and sends me reeling, emotionally, he said put him to sleep), to what we wanted out of a relatioship. He wants someone who makes him feel whole and I don't want that responsibility. I feel I'm already whole and just want to enhance my life and have fun being together. Turns out we simply live in two different worlds.

We've agreed to remain friends, but I don't expect much to come from that for the same reason we decided not to continue the "romantic" part. So, another one bites the dust. That's okay since I found it very difficult to conduct a romance from the confines of this cramped RV that's still home and likely will be for awhile.

Have to get ready for my first day of jury duty and will talk more about the "home" front at another time.

Syonara!

Just an Update

It's been a while. Life has certainly changed since I've rejoined the ranks of the employed and resumed dating. There's just not a lot of free time available and what there is, it gets assigned to other things.

In addition, I've been sick a lot. I had to postpone my second interview with my employer (beginning of January) due to a bad cold. A few weeks ago I got a bladder infection which was followed immediately by another bad cold--this time of the chest variety. It's been over two weeks and I'm still coughing and have gravel-voice. Don't think I've ever had two colds so close together. Apparently, this one's making the rounds as my friend, Elizabeth, in CT has it, too.

This has been a very long day for some reason--probably a result of a lack of sleep. I've got to start getting to bed earlier. I'm stuck at work waiting for something to come from a subcontractor or rush hour to be over--whichever comes first--and writing this to help stay awake in the meantime. Most days I'm thoroughly involved in my job but it's tough when you're in wait mode and just want to close your eyes and sleep.

Will try to make more time for a "thoughtier" response in the near future. Either that or I'm going to cancel this account. No point having a blog if I'm not going to post to it.

On a parting note, it is interesting how much things have changed from the time I started it as Jon and Fon's trek from rags to riches. Haven't heard a word from Jon (thankfully) since I told him I preferred to change into "friend" mode--despite his many promises to always be in my life, yada, yada, yada. (My new guy is so much more clued in and "count-on-able"). And I've essentially given up on the idea of riches in place of basic security. Guess that's what they (whomever "they" are) mean when they say that the only thing you can count on in life is change. Hey hey!

Monday Message

It gets lonely on this side of the pen. No pungent smell of bread baked by loving hands of yesteryear, no muted titters of childhood, tender touches of youth, or familiar eyes to peer into yours and brighten your soul. Only the whirring of the space heater and raindrops making never-ending circles in the puddles outside my window.

There’s so much I long to say, so much I want us to know so the world can be better and we can be happy. Perhaps, through the telling, the message may find its way from the center of the knowledge into hearts where all things are possible, and then wend its winged way back home.

There are so many of us now. So very many crying out to be seen and known and heard. So many hands reaching out for the earth and its bounty. So many souls wandering, lost, hearts bleeding, bellies grumbling. Such a cacophony of pain arising all around, feeding on itself, making it hard to hear the sole raindrop falling softly on winter ground. Yet we must listen as it will be gone soon enough—lost, unique, amidst all the other raindrops.

So, I say to you, my friend, we must learn to listen. Listen outside, with tenderness, with compassion, with curiosity. Listen deeply to sounds we’ve never heard before. Listen fully for the new experience waiting for us. And listen internally to the deepest notes arising from our own hearts, trying to make their way to our ears, the sound becoming a raindrop—one that may one day sooth our tired throats and parch our endless thirst. Listen and drink.

Demarcation II

Just figured out how to turn on categories. In the process, discovered a previous post which I believe is now archived. In it, I talked about the demarcation between internal and external--between thinking/feeling and doing, and what makes the difference in actually having.

I've felt an internal shift in the last few weeks. Part, perhaps the most important part, came from one of those "ah ha's" about what makes me tick and why I do and don't do certain things. This discovery came via a discussion w/ my friend, Debbie (a social worker). She's like an "ah ha" magnet for me (and I think, I am one for her, too. We take turns.)

Following this particular self-realization (a significant one), I began to feel and act a little differently, to the point of not feeling as helpless or worthless as I had been. Simultaneously, I got some positive feedback about my skills and abilities from several new acquaintances. That surely didn't hurt. Was it a result of my newfound confidence or was it coincidence? Hard to say but my guess is there's some relationship between internal state and external results.

I felt perfectly confident going into both these job interviews and both turned out well. Hopefully, one will result in a job. This, too, was a result of feeling better about myself, I have no doubt. Good old self-esteem. It seems to be key.

Sitting on the positive side of the self-confidence continuum, I can say that there seems to be a correlation between the type of energy one puts out and the results one gets. Perhaps being in a positive state with positive energy provides a foundation for positive action that attracts positive results. That makes sense. The problem is what to do when stuck in a negative state. And those states can rise up fast and furious when you're not looking and knock you on your proverbial arse!

I'd have to say, given recent events, the answer seems to lie in finding a Debbie and digging as deeply into yourself and your blocks/issues as possible. Those ah ha's, in my experience, can be pretty powerful. Maybe we're closer to them and more able to uncover them when we're stuck in the middle of one. Perhaps that's the silver lining in this particular cloud.

Demarcation

Am trying to make up for lost time, despite a lack of a profundity to amuse or intellectually titillate. But maybe that, in and of itself, is worth exploring.

I find myself badly wanting what I don't have: a relationship (Jon was never "real," I just wanted to believe he was); some of the outfits in the latest Coldwater Creek catalogue; a home with room to store things and move around; a dependable new car; money to buy the things I need and pay my expenses; and especially, a nice shiny, self-image that I could yank out and show off. "See, what a successful 'x,y,z' I am!"

But I can't seem to stir myself to materialize these things for which I pine. Once more, I'm in "slug" mode.

I can so readily imagine them all. I can see, taste, smell, and touch these things I don't have and want so badly. My emotional desire throbs from the wanting and not having. Where does wanting, the internal, and having, the external begin and end? Where's the line of demarcation?

I read a book--one I reviewed below, (I'm Rich Beyond my Wildest Dreams) that essentially said, "name it and it will appear." Well, I've named plenty and so far, not much has arrived. How long? The book didn't say, although it did demur with "if God wants you to have it." Maybe that's it. Although it made me feel wonderful when I read it, my patience is growing thin.

Today, I read an excerpt from an ebook that talked about the difference between will and doing vs. wanting and dreaming. It said you had to use your will and do stuff or nothing would happen. That depressed me. I don't feel up to doing much, even though there's so much in need of doing.

How does one find this demarcation between wanting and doing? The one between the internal and the external. Where does chance and luck fit in, or do they?

Sure wish I had a clue. Do you?

Dreams, Schemes, and Heating Machines

I woke up cold. The main heater in the RV stopped working last spring, just as it was getting warm. Figured I'd be back in the money by the time it got cold again so I could pay to fix it. Not! Poverty is getting very old. And cold!

Had a dream this morning, and what dream isn't strange? It's their nature. In it, I got a call from my former neighbor, Jeff, a Christian minister. It was clear he had some bad news but wasn't spitting it out. So, I yelled at him--using the Lord's name in vein. Realizing my faux pas, quickly added "pardon my French" but was also persistent.

Finally, Jeff told me that the neighborhood where I grew up was on fire and that all houses but two had burned down. (My subconscious desire for some warmth? ;-) He knew I still had pets there and wanted me to know they were in danger.

I realized I could never make it to the house in time and was distraught. Then I realized that I hadn't lived in that house since 1967 and that my pets were all with me and safe. (Point of irony: I was living in that house when I met Jon.) That was the end of the dream. So, what does it mean? I'll attempt to analyze.

I've realized that much of the content of my dreams can be traced to experiences shortly before going to sleep, which, in my case, usually means what I saw on TV. Last night I watched the season premiere of Third Watch to see what cast members had bitten the dust and which hadn't. One character hesitated before breaking some bad news to another. Sure that's where the pause came from. (Why I remembered that and inserted it into the dream is a different matter--maybe the subject for another dream discussion.)

As far as Jeff being in the dream, although he's not an animal-lover, he knows I am, so warning me that my pets were in danger is something he'd do. Jeff and his wife, Heidi, are frequently in my dreams. They were the only people who were consistently there for me when I was going through my breast cancer treatment and before that, my abdominal surgery. No Mom and no friends, but Jeff and Heidi were there--Christians who walk the walk, for sure! (Without further clarification from someone in the know, it's looking to me like St. Paul had his head up his butt when he talked about good deeds without faith not cutting it. Excuse me!)

I tried my utmost to reconcile my religious doubts with Jeff and Heidi's beliefs but just couldn't do it, despite hours of conversation. I felt and still feel that I let them down. But I did the best I could and still am grappling with these issues. Religious beliefs need to come from the heart or they're empty. Maybe it's my inability to accept their belief system and my sense of extreme gratitude toward them that's creating an internal conflict and keeps them on my mind. Hard to say.

My childhood home is easy. It's shown up in my dreams for years, thought less frequently, over time. It symbolizes a desire for a "home," a place of security with people (Mom and Dad) who love and take care of me--something I definitely don't have at the moment, and want. Did Jeff and Heidi become Mom and Dad? Interesting notion I'll have to noodle over.

The fire was threatening my home, symbolic of life events threatening my security and those I love (the kids). It was, however, one of the two homes that was still okay, indicative that I haven't succumbed, yet.

The freedom of adulthood is terrific but the responsibility of it sucks, especially given an underlying fear of still, fundamentally being a child and not being able to make it without Mom and Dad. That's one I have to fight daily--maybe hourly.

Getting it out in the open, as I'm doing in this blog, is about the only way I know to confront and deal with it. I think this is true of all "boogeymen" hiding in the nooks and crannies of our psyches. And all of us have them. They just come in different shapes and sizes and hide in different closets. A shrink can help, but those of us without the resources for therapy have to find a way to do it ourselves, least "the fire" get us and those we love.

New territory...

I was productive yesterday and pleased about it. I created yet another blog that implements an idea I've been planning for awhile. It's called Truth is True and is a collection of "truisms" in categories. I was even able to create some fancy HTML (using FrontPage) so that the truisms are tidily organized and presented in tables. Now, I've just got to promote the blog so people will start adding to the collection. Go take a look, won't you, and add something? Or at least bookmark it for future reference when you do run across something.

I'm still hanging onto my $8 but am going to have to find more soon. Very soon.