Life Journey

About "Breakup Lines"

Wow! When I posted below that: "He wants someone who makes him feel whole and I don't want that responsibility. I feel I'm already whole and just want to enhance my life and have fun being together," I didn't intend that as any kind of "line" but as an explanation about what some of the major issues were that led to our parting romantic ways. The fact that both people who responded thought of it as a line (which I tend to think of as something rehearsed to produce a specific effect) really surprised me.

I admit that I did do some rehearsing but more to ensure I didn't come across as accusatory or judgmental (it's YOUR fault because you're a __________), and instead, addressed the underlying issue. As I held imaginary conversations with myself, what came out was that I believed we were simply mismatched because we wanted different things from a relationship. That's probably true with most breakups, when you get down to it and stop placing blame on anyone.

I guess he'd been thinking about it, too, since he told me about an episode of Seinfeld where George is told by a girlfriend who's breaking up with him that it isn't him, it's her. George goes ballastic and tells the woman that she can't say that because it's HIS breakup line; he invented it!

To me, that's still placing blame rather than simply figuring out and then explaining the underlying problem. Only it's blaming self rather than the other person. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, in my book. I suppose it's the contrived "line" part that disturbs me. Are people so afraid of just telling the truth that they have to try and manipulate? Are people such bad judges of character that they get involved w/ psychos who they have to "handle" to prevent stalking or worse?

I wonder why so many breakups, particularly of marriages, are so acrimonious. Do people let resentments build up so far that by the time they're ready to take the bull by the horns and get out of the relationship that they dispise the other person? What's up with that? Sounds like a case of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. If the relationship isn't working, change its form so it does. If the person was someone you liked well enough to get involved with in the first place, then why eliminate them from your life, altogether? This has never made a bit of sense to me--except, perhaps, in those cases where the other person was so underhanded and sneaky that there really were no signs to see until all hell broke lose. But since I've never really had one of those, it's hard for me to imagine there weren't some kind of signs earlier on.

So, folks, why is it so hard to just examine a situation and tell the other person the truth once you're clear you don't belong together, romantically?

By the way, jury duty was incredibly enlightening. I was so affected by the experience that I even missed American Idol last night because I felt the need to call and talk to a fellow juror. Yes, now you know I'm addicted along with all those 14-year old girls. However, I've yet to vote, much less vote incessantly for the whole two hours their phone lines are open! I'll talk about my experience w/ the justice system a bit later. Needed to deal with this "breakup line" business now and hope someone will have some thoughtful response to give.

Internet Dating

After three months since telling Jon I prefered a friendship to a romantic relationship and hearing nary another word from him, I took the plunge and placed a personals ad in craigslist. For anyone unfamiliar with craigslist, it's a well of free resources by city. I don't know who craig is but he's got to sleep peacefully at night knowing what a valuable service he provides for so many people.

Received 15 - 20 responses. Some were from horny 20-somethings, a few from married men, and some from fellas seeking a Cindy Crawford lookalike. But no matter, the ones with potential will stick. Right now only one seems to have stuck in there but there are a few more on aol I haven't responded to due to some weirdness with aol's servers. When I've tried to respond to an aol subscriber, my e-mails have bounced back with a note that they seem to think I'm a spammer. What's up with that?

I'm wondering what the percentages of true potentials is. With only a few exceptions (offensive or totally ineligibles), I've responded to every inquiry I've received in my normal no-nonsense style. Maybe providing the URL for this blog was a mistake. How many men want to be stradled w/ someone so down on their luck? But, I suppose, Mr. Right won't mind. He can't or he won't be Mr. Right, will he?

So, we'll see. If you, dear reader, have tried the Internet dating route, won't you let me know what your experience has been and how many e-mails you think I'll have to write before finding a "good 'un?"

Kindness

I count my blessings that I lend a blind eye when it comes to age. As a result, I made friends w/ a young woman and her husband in an RV a few slots away. (We don't really have lots, just slots, although mine is bigger than most). Because she's an extravert like me, we chattered away about our lives and dreams.

One day after telling her about my financial/job woes, she came over for a visit. The first words out of her mouth were, "now, don't feel insulted but..." Not being one to insult easily, I was curious what was to follow. It seems that she and her family are active in a church (the evangelical variety, but whatever works for someone) that created food baskets for those in need during the holidays. After sharing "my story" w/ her Mom, they decided I was a good candidate for a basket. Insulted? Hell, I was thrilled!

When her Mom showed up the Monday before Thanksgiving, I was shocked to find that the basket was actually a plastic tub--the kind you store clothes in. There must have been a week or two's worth of groceries in it. And on top of that, Mom handed me a plastic bag with fresh produce: a bunch of celery, apples, and oranges. I was overwhelmed!

I used the celery right away so it wouldn't go bad. A pot of chicken soup, waldorf salad, and the rest either eaten w/ salt or chopped and taken down to my Mother's for use in the stuffing. It was some of the sweetest celery I've ever eaten. The apples were, too. The oranges were navel and while pretty, didn't contain much juice. But I've been using them, nonetheless.

Last night we had a big rainstorm w/ high winds. When I went to let the dogs out this morning, found that the top had blown off (was keeping the non-perishables in the tub under the RV since I have little storage space inside) and the tub was full of rain. Fortunately, most was in plastic. A box of mac and cheese was soaked and fell apart as I was bringing it inside. I'm using it for a doggie treat.

The contents of the tub were pretty interesting. In addition to cans of soup, a bag of sugar (which I hope will dry out and be okay), there were 3 boxes of cake mix, three bags of pasta, and two of mac and cheese, a thing of instant mash potatoes w/ gravy, and a bag of instant stuffing. I guess the church ladies selected food that's popular with families. And here I'm trying to lose weight. Fat chance w/ three cake mixes and a box of desert mix. No wonder so many Americans are overweight if they eat like that!

Despite the calorie content of the basket, I'm still feeling a sense of gratitude and overwhelm at the kindness that exists in places one might least expect it.

I told my neighbor what I'd made with the food and how delicious the celery and apples were. I hoped that would please her, her Mom, and the other ladies who'd put the "basket" together. People should be acknowledged for kindness, don't you think?

Saved by the Bell!

When my friend and current client, Steve, (Visible Light) called, I thought my goose was cooked. All the work he had for me required a working computer with Intenet connection. The state of my laptop, as I told you yesterday, is dubious, at best. I was sure that was the end of the only revenue stream I have. Well, guess what?

Steve's an angel-person!

He said this kind of thing happens and he overnighted me their spare laptop! It's to arrive this afternoon. Needless to say, my spririts lifted.

Did God finally hear my prayers? Steve's response to my delimma was certainly a godsend--one that came just in time. I really was afraid I was a goner.

Not yet!

When it Rains...

It's been awhile since I've updated the blog. Other than too many tears, my recent silence comes from indecision about where this blog and my relationship with Jon were headed. This weekend, I decided.

Jon and Fon are no more. It didn't work out--not for me.

I hadn't heard from Jon and sent him an e-mail explaining my desire to change from boyfriend/girlfriend to friends. (I don't believe in throwing the baby out with the bath water.) Last night he called before having read my e-mail. It was an uncomfortable conversation, especially after I broke the news.

My problem is threefold. First, Jon and I have very different religious, philosophical, and political leanings. John's a fundamentalist Christian and if I even call myself Christian, anymore, it's a liberal Christian. Religion is something I'm still grappling with but know Jon's religious views are incompatible with my own.

I think it's very difficult for people with such different approaches to life to have a successful romantic relationship. But, maybe this wouldn't have been such an obstacle were it not for other issues.

Jon has been connecting to the Internet at his local library. Sometimes he has to wait for a computer to become available and often he has other things to do which prevent him from getting to the library at all. He has no landline phone service and even though he recently obtained a cell phone, has not been able to charge it so that he can call on a regular basis. Long distance relationships are hard enough but ones without a reliable means of regular communication are neigh impossible.

Because of our lack of communication, Jon wasn't there for me when my friend Dave died nor when I had to put Emily to sleep. That hit me hard.

I need and expect someone I consider a boyfriend to be there for me at crisis points like that and Jon has been unable to. He's been saying for months that this problem will improve but so far it hasn't and I simply ran out of patience. I suppose it boils down to wanting more than he's able or willing to provide. It's not okay with me to be unable to find a way to regularly communicate after four months. I want more than that.

To me, regular communication is the glue that holds a relationship together. Without that glue and the will to obtain it, a relationship is doomed.

Last, it's been my experience that Jon consistently says he's going to do something and then doesn't follow through. Promising that our means of communication was going to improve when it hasn't, is an example. I used to receive e-mails from him, almost daily. The last one I received was six days ago. Nor did I receive a call in the meantime, until last night.

Perhaps I'm impatient or have a skewed sense of time. Perhaps he and I have different ideas about the appropriate amount of time between when you say you're going to act and when you do. Perhaps he just has so much going on in his life that he can't keep track of what he says he's going to do so that he's unable to follow through. Regardless of the reasons, I've come to feel I can't count on Jon and that's no way to have a relationship--at least it's not for me.

I'm not trying to assert that Jon is "wrong" and I am "right." I'm attempting to explain how I came to the decision I did.

As a result of that decision, and as the "owner" of the blog, I've deleted Jon's authoring privleges and will be changing the banner in the near future, as soon as I figure out the direction I want the blog to take. If you have any suggestions, let me know!

Hurricane Isabel is predicted to hit the DC area hard within a few days. Since I'm living in an RV, have to make some plans about how to keep the kids, me, and hopefully the RV, out of harm's way. So, it may be awhile before I'm able to make those changes and post again--assuming there's anyone out there following this particular life journey in the first place!