Genealogy

I invariably feel like I'm wasting time when I post to my blog. Not that I have much, if any readership, but it's still a record about my life. Mostly I refer people who are interesting in learning something more about me.

I'm now back home after spending the summer at my Mother's on Maryland's Eastern Shore. She was hospitalized in late June for what turned out to be end stage renal failure. That means she needed either a kidney transplant (unlikely at her advanced age) or dialysis three times a week. Because she became so weak, she was transferred to a nursing home for several months for rehabilitation and returned home the beginning of September. The following month with my being her sole caregiver turned out to be a month in hell.

Although I'd suspected it, it turns out that my mother not only has kidney failure, but is a textbook case of NPD--Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She would have eaten me alive--physically (I have a heart condition which she totally ignored and ran me into the ground with constant demands) and emotionally--if I hadn't managed to get her back in the nursing home and gotten away.

Anyone who's ever dealt with narcissism or a narcissist knows exactly what I'm talking about. These folks are similar to sociopaths (technically, anti-social personality disorder) but usually confine their "blood sucking" to the emotional level. I tried to get psychological help for Mother (not that it would likely have done much good since NPDs are seldom open to therapy), to no avail. Finally, once Mother was safely ensconced back in the nursing home, I threw up my hands, said a prayer for her healing, left, and moved back home, knowing that I'd done all I reasonably could to be a "good daughter." (Guilt is one of the key tools used by a narcissistic parent and they felt no compunction about using it hard and often.)

The good news for me in all this was: 1) I got out before any serious damage occured, and with Mother in a safe place able to properly care for her; 2) I gained incredible insight on family issues from my past and what they had really been all about; and 3) most important, I broke the emotional tie with my Mother that had so eroded my self-confidence all my life. That alone was worth the torment as it's something I've been dealing with forever.

Especially for others with a narcissitic parent, there is hope. Honest! Recognizing what you've been dealing with your entire life is a great first step. The rest I'll get into in another post if anyone shows any interest in learning more about this condition. (Remember, I'm now "Dr. Fon" so am not just whistling Dixie, here.)

This is just an update on what's been going on since I last wrote after graduation. I started on a new project for my amusement, hopefully Mother's (NOT!), and turned it into a professional activity: geneology and scrapbooking. Here is the concept in a nutshell:

(The Genealogy Part)

• The overarching goal of this approach is to use natural MOTIVATION to lead students into learning by making it directly relevant to them.
• The concept involves most educational stakeholders: learners, families, and the community for secondary (perhaps post-secondary) students. It is meant to bring all three groups together for common projects, taking advantage of the knowledge and skills of all.
• The learning spans disciplines but primarily involves English, social studies, and art (if they even offer it in secondary school since the advent of NCLB).
• Learners do genealogical research with their families and enter it into a computerized program designed for such purpose. (The LDS church offers good free software on their website.)
• Community members into quilting take the data and create a pocketed quilt. (Below is a sample quilt I created using my own family and "Who Am I?" The top half is the "nature" while the bottom is the "nurture.")

Along with teachers, learners decide the research that will be done related to various family members and conduct it. Resources can include scrapbooks, websites, artifacts, books, movies, notebooks (e.g., "N6") assembled on a subject, or other projects. Sample scrapbook page from "S1." (My Mother worked as an RN in Panama where she met and married my Father and where I was born.)

• Art teachers and community members help learners establish designs for and make resources to which the tags in quilt pockets go. (Notice the cuts at the top of each block for insertion of the tags. The threads are attached to the tags to pull them out.)
• (Darned HTML that won't do what I want it to! ;-)

• Learners can trade relatives with other students and do research on them, their community, customs, or period, to gain appreciation of diversity, if that’s an instructional goal.
• Resources can be directly related to the relative if he or she is noted for something in particular, or can be related to the time and/or place in which they lived--including the social and artistic as well as political.

Since I created the quilt square shown above, I've found more family information and updated the "nature" (top) half of my circle. I'm not sure why I'm doing this since I have no siblings or children but have always been interested in history. Perhaps some of my paternal grandfather's genes (he was a professional genealogist) got passed on. Who knows? However, I did join The National Council for the Social Studies which is "the" association for social studies teachers. I started my career as a social studies and English teacher so, in a sense, am coming full circle.

The most frustrating part of this genealogy research is not knowing who these ancestors were as people. What did they value, do with their time, get excited or angry about? What kind of personalities and ideosyncracies did they have? I once bought a framed portrait (photo) of a 1920-1930s-era man in an antique store just because I felt he lived and shouldn't be abandoned. I call him Uncle Charley. (Plus, it was cheap!) Our progenetors (in most cases) should not be forgotten. Genealogical research is the least we can do for them so they're not abandoned or forgotten.

(I did, in the process of this research, figure out that my Mother's NPD came from her father who likely inherited it from his mother, but the trail ended there.) I've no doubt that the "character disorders" (like NPD) have a genetic base, but the science isn't there yet. Thank goodness, I inherited more of my father's than my mother's genes. Fortuitously, for the mostpart I inherited some of the best from both sides. At least I eluded the worst from my Mother. I hope!

By the way, the Jones part of the family is from Virginia--generally around Richmond; the Allens from the Salisbury, MD area; and my maternal side is from Hunterdon County in New Jersey.

Comments

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