Life Journey

Genealogy

I invariably feel like I'm wasting time when I post to my blog. Not that I have much, if any readership, but it's still a record about my life. Mostly I refer people who are interesting in learning something more about me.

I'm now back home after spending the summer at my Mother's on Maryland's Eastern Shore. She was hospitalized in late June for what turned out to be end stage renal failure. That means she needed either a kidney transplant (unlikely at her advanced age) or dialysis three times a week. Because she became so weak, she was transferred to a nursing home for several months for rehabilitation and returned home the beginning of September. The following month with my being her sole caregiver turned out to be a month in hell.

Although I'd suspected it, it turns out that my mother not only has kidney failure, but is a textbook case of NPD--Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She would have eaten me alive--physically (I have a heart condition which she totally ignored and ran me into the ground with constant demands) and emotionally--if I hadn't managed to get her back in the nursing home and gotten away.

Anyone who's ever dealt with narcissism or a narcissist knows exactly what I'm talking about. These folks are similar to sociopaths (technically, anti-social personality disorder) but usually confine their "blood sucking" to the emotional level. I tried to get psychological help for Mother (not that it would likely have done much good since NPDs are seldom open to therapy), to no avail. Finally, once Mother was safely ensconced back in the nursing home, I threw up my hands, said a prayer for her healing, left, and moved back home, knowing that I'd done all I reasonably could to be a "good daughter." (Guilt is one of the key tools used by a narcissistic parent and they felt no compunction about using it hard and often.)

The good news for me in all this was: 1) I got out before any serious damage occured, and with Mother in a safe place able to properly care for her; 2) I gained incredible insight on family issues from my past and what they had really been all about; and 3) most important, I broke the emotional tie with my Mother that had so eroded my self-confidence all my life. That alone was worth the torment as it's something I've been dealing with forever.

Especially for others with a narcissitic parent, there is hope. Honest! Recognizing what you've been dealing with your entire life is a great first step. The rest I'll get into in another post if anyone shows any interest in learning more about this condition. (Remember, I'm now "Dr. Fon" so am not just whistling Dixie, here.)

This is just an update on what's been going on since I last wrote after graduation. I started on a new project for my amusement, hopefully Mother's (NOT!), and turned it into a professional activity: geneology and scrapbooking. Here is the concept in a nutshell:

(The Genealogy Part)

• The overarching goal of this approach is to use natural MOTIVATION to lead students into learning by making it directly relevant to them.
• The concept involves most educational stakeholders: learners, families, and the community for secondary (perhaps post-secondary) students. It is meant to bring all three groups together for common projects, taking advantage of the knowledge and skills of all.
• The learning spans disciplines but primarily involves English, social studies, and art (if they even offer it in secondary school since the advent of NCLB).
• Learners do genealogical research with their families and enter it into a computerized program designed for such purpose. (The LDS church offers good free software on their website.)
• Community members into quilting take the data and create a pocketed quilt. (Below is a sample quilt I created using my own family and "Who Am I?" The top half is the "nature" while the bottom is the "nurture.")

Along with teachers, learners decide the research that will be done related to various family members and conduct it. Resources can include scrapbooks, websites, artifacts, books, movies, notebooks (e.g., "N6") assembled on a subject, or other projects. Sample scrapbook page from "S1." (My Mother worked as an RN in Panama where she met and married my Father and where I was born.)

• Art teachers and community members help learners establish designs for and make resources to which the tags in quilt pockets go. (Notice the cuts at the top of each block for insertion of the tags. The threads are attached to the tags to pull them out.)
• (Darned HTML that won't do what I want it to! ;-)

• Learners can trade relatives with other students and do research on them, their community, customs, or period, to gain appreciation of diversity, if that’s an instructional goal.
• Resources can be directly related to the relative if he or she is noted for something in particular, or can be related to the time and/or place in which they lived--including the social and artistic as well as political.

Since I created the quilt square shown above, I've found more family information and updated the "nature" (top) half of my circle. I'm not sure why I'm doing this since I have no siblings or children but have always been interested in history. Perhaps some of my paternal grandfather's genes (he was a professional genealogist) got passed on. Who knows? However, I did join The National Council for the Social Studies which is "the" association for social studies teachers. I started my career as a social studies and English teacher so, in a sense, am coming full circle.

The most frustrating part of this genealogy research is not knowing who these ancestors were as people. What did they value, do with their time, get excited or angry about? What kind of personalities and ideosyncracies did they have? I once bought a framed portrait (photo) of a 1920-1930s-era man in an antique store just because I felt he lived and shouldn't be abandoned. I call him Uncle Charley. (Plus, it was cheap!) Our progenetors (in most cases) should not be forgotten. Genealogical research is the least we can do for them so they're not abandoned or forgotten.

(I did, in the process of this research, figure out that my Mother's NPD came from her father who likely inherited it from his mother, but the trail ended there.) I've no doubt that the "character disorders" (like NPD) have a genetic base, but the science isn't there yet. Thank goodness, I inherited more of my father's than my mother's genes. Fortuitously, for the mostpart I inherited some of the best from both sides. At least I eluded the worst from my Mother. I hope!

By the way, the Jones part of the family is from Virginia--generally around Richmond; the Allens from the Salisbury, MD area; and my maternal side is from Hunterdon County in New Jersey.

It's Soup!

I walked across the stage of the Minneapolis Concert Hall to be "hooded," a week ago Saturday, August 11, 2007. I am now officially, "Dr. Fon!"

Since the lighting was low and my camera doesn't have a great zoom feature, this one came out grainy. So, I "Photoshopped" it to try and make the grain look intentional.

I came back from Minneapolis sick as a dog. It's probably whopping cough (against which I appear to have been ineffectively vaccinated when I had it two years ago), but still waiting after five days to get the throat culture results back. If it is, I'll have to contact half the world since it's on the CDC's list. Interesing way to start out a new status.

The silver lining to the "sicko" cloud is insufficient energy to do much besides play w/ graphics--namely Photoshop and Corel Painter, both of which I bought (actually, the entire Adobe Creative Suite) while I still qualified for a student discount. One can work magic with the programs! Here I whacked a good 25 pounds and 10 years off!

This is a photo of my mentor with the same poor lighting and grain conditions. If it doesn't look like a Rembrandt, I'll eat my tassle!

He served as the "Grand Master" of the ceremony--the first time he'd done so which was very cool for me since one of my other two committee members announced the names of the graduates as we took our place on stage to await hooding. I'll have to share some shots of the hoods because at the doctoral level they are very cool! How odd that this is one ceremony that doesn't seem to have changed much over the last 400 - 500 years. Gotta love continuity!

And just in case you're not yet satiated with Fon's graduation photos, here's another of me and my mentor, post-hooding. He looks great but I look like I was getting ready to fall asleep! (Photoshop to the rescue again, but I'm not proficient enough to fix those half-closed eyes.)

Will have more later when I'm feeling less like Typhoid Mary!

It's Almost Soup!

I've decided on a different focus for this blog. The goal of transitioning from "rags to riches" is no longer the issue it was when I began. The reason is because I've redefined the meaning of both. "Rags" now means a definition of self as an inactive agent upon whom forces operate while "riches" means the ability to find joy and happiness wherever I choose to see and experience it. The operative word here is "choice." Although my financial situation has improved in the years since I started this "life journey," the improvement is just enough to pay my monthly bills with a little left over for a few new books or a few new tops from Target—hardly what anyone would call "riches." But then, if one is honest, "things" and happiness have little in common, as the lives of many celebrities reveal all too well. I wrote an aphorism years back and am only beginning to realize its true meaning:

"Wise is the person who seeks not new vistas to behold, but new eyes with which to view the familiar."

Yes, I know some French philosopher said essentially the same thing, but I never read it and chuckled once I came across it. Great minds and all that.

On the news front, I'm now weeks away from my doctorate. My dissertation is finished and in the hands of my committee for review. I'm now experiencing separation anxiety. School provides a sweet sense of security that the "real world" does not. As a result, I'm ambivalent about the prospect of graduating—especially since I have no clear plans or career path, although I know what I'd like to do: write and teach online. But everything I read about doing that indicates lots and lots of competition and effort. Not a terribly appealing prospect.

Fortunately, one of the most valuable contributions my mentor has made is the introduction to the Law of Attraction in the form of Esther and Jerry Hick's book, Ask and It Is Given. From that I went on to some of their CDs, the film, The Secret, and other works. It's been a revelation and a godsend. It also works. In fact, I can even provide a neurological explanation of why it works. But I won't. Maybe later in a journal article (assuming I become sufficiently "journal literate").

Something Oprah said in an interview with Larry King hit home. She said that her greatest fear was that she wouldn't contribute enough. And she meant it. It's the same fear I have. My "riches" have evolved into contributions. Can I create enough of them, given my unique capabilities and makeup? That remains to be seen.

Cat pee & photo emulsion don't mix!

When I hauled my scanner out of a corner to complete an administrative task for school and found a photo still on the glass surrounded by what looked like the remnants of one of the kitties' ultimate displeasure, I thought, "no problemo." Grabbed a bottle of Windex, my faithful can of "Oops" and figured I'd be up and running in a matter of minutes. Not! Two hours later I was at my local Staples, shelling out shekles for a new one--the old having been cast out the (opened) door, glass scraped to kingdom come with photo still attached. As may be imagined, this was done in a fit of unbridled temper born of utter frustration and a sense of abject failure. To my relief, no snoopy neighbors or men in white coats were in sight.

The moral of this story folks, is that cat pee and photo emulsion do NOT mix. It would have taken a jackhammer to have separated that picture from that glass. So, if you're ever looking for something stronger than super glue and you've got an angry cat and a few unwanted photos, you're in business!

Thoughts about Thinking

Yesterday, I was reading one of the books I'm using for my dissertation. The discussion was on working memory and the point was that it could only hold a limited amount of informatiion. The author presented a number of around 7 digits. The author then asked the reader to close his/her eyes and then try to recall the number. No problem. Then he asked to count backward by 2 from 99 to 91 and then to try and recall the number. He said that most people weren't able to; I was. Not only did I recall it but it became like a song that gets "stuck" in your head.

I found this interesting and began to examine why I was able to remember the number so easily. I realized that I'd used 2 strategies. First, I'd parsed the number into "musical" units. This is something I do when I'm trying to remember a phone number. Second, I'd focused on the visual shape of the numbers. Keep in mind that I wasn't aware of having done this until after I'd recalled it following the counting back exercise.

A bit ago I tried to recall the number but can't. I do, however recall that it had a double number--either 33 or 44, and had a 5, (think it began with), an 8, and maybe a 7. However, I don't remember the order, nor can I recall in which of the many books I have sitting around I read it in. (This is a curse when one is trying to write a dissertation which requires references.) Sometimes I don't even realize that something I'm reading will become relevant at some later time--either within my dissertation or everyday conversation. Nor do I know what my brain will end up remembering that I wouldn't expect it to. It's a mystery why it chooses to remember what it does and promptly forgets other things--especially information that is clearly relevant to a task I'm working on. IOW, my brain seems to have a "mind of its own!"

The reason I'm bringing this up, as dull as it may seem to anyone who is not an academic and even someone who is but in a different field, is because I don't want to lose this bit of insight about working memory. This personal experience also adds validity to the concept some other author I can't remember proposed about working memory being divided by senses--a conception part, visual part, and audio part. Arg, something else to have to try and remember who said this and then find it! Anyway, in this case I'm using this post as a journal. Why and how was I able to perform a task the author (and I only have books by "experts") said wasn't generally doable? What does that say about my own brain? I've been diagnosed as being ADD but as any doctor (medical or PhD) will tell you, labels only tell you so much and don't address individual characteristics and brain configurations. It's that "snowflake" metaphor. Despite humans having over 99% the same DNA, that less than 1% accounts for an incredible amount of diversity and difference. No wonder MDs and shrinks are thought of as detectives!

Secondly, for anyone who actually does check my blog, I wanted to give you a flavor of what I'm up to these days from a bird's eye view. It's one thing to say I'm working on my dissertation in x and y subject, am really enjoying the experience, bla, bla, bla, and another to actually show what that means in terms of specifics.

Now, I've got to go find that number and that book about different aspects of working memory or it will drive me nuts all day!

15 minutes later...

I found the number: 783445. I remembered all the correct numbers and even the correct pair (44, preceded by a 3), but interestingly, reversed the first and last numbers. Note that I added the 7 last but thought the string had begun with a 5. Also, it is 6 digits long, not 7 but I do know that research has indicated that working memory generally holds up to 7 bits of information. But I think that's information of the same kind. Apparently, I still had empty "buffers" for audio and visual memory available to use which enabled me to remember it after the counting back exercise. While this is only anectdotal and not scientific evidence, it works for me!

Who Knew?

I've just turned in the proposal for my dissertation and am in waiting mode. Although I have a list of chores that would choke a camel--put off while getting my 100-page proposal done--now that it is, I find myself not wanting to jump back into a daily grind. I decided, instead, to do a little reflection on this educational journey on which I've embarked.

Most of us, when we think of education--especially higher education--think about stuffing our heads full of facts, figures, and other bits of knowledge so that we can qualify for better jobs. Few of us see it as a process for growing in all dimensions as human beings. But that's exactly what it is. Or what it can be if one so chooses.

Until I got into my program, I'd thought of coursework, the comprehensive exam, and the dissertation as "hoop-jumping" required to get to the final goal--the degree. But each of these steps has a purpose that benefits the student far more than the accreditation status of the school.

Coursework provides the opportunity to get to know new people--largely through their work--the experiences and ideas expressed through it. Instead of simply doing assigned reading, I've wanted to know the background of the person I'm reading for an understanding of the context of the content. Who influenced the writer? How and why did they end up doing the work they're writing about? Who are they?

A case in point is Elkhonon Goldberg who has written a book about the brain. Being in education, I'm familiar with some of the "seminal" learning theorists like Jean Piaget and Lev Vygotsky. I chose Goldberg's book, The Executive Brain because I was interested in learning more about the "management" function of the brain. Lo and behold, I found that Goldberg's mentor was a guy named Luria, whose name I'd seen referenced. As it turns out, Luria's mentor was none other than Lev Vygotsky. Once I learned that, it became far more interesting to look at Goldberg's work to see how it had been influenced by Vygotsky--almost like a family tree of ideas.

Also, because my school is online and we are required to interact with fellow learners as well as the work of those we are reading, that, too, exposed me to different points of view and ways of looking at the world. Do you see where this is beginning to lead? My coursework helped my world expand as I got to know new people--their backgrounds and ideas.

Once my knowledge database began expanding, so did the number of connections I saw between the this's and that'ses of the world. How fascinating the world is--both the internal one of perception and ideas as well as the external one. I developed a greater and more profound sense of awe at all the world has to offer--there for the taking.

The comprehensive exam provided an opportunity to further pull together what I'd been learning and organize it in a cogent manner so that it didn't simply slip away as much knowledge does. I remember reading a book on the causes of WWI from different perspectives as and undergrad and having to choose one perspective of who was ultimately responsible for the war. I remember having decided that it was Germany, but couldn't tell you my reasons for that decision. (This, BTW, is known as "jist memory"). That knowledge simply slipped away. Comps are a way to help prevent that--at least to remember key knowledge.

The dissertation provides the opportunity to contribute to the knowledge base in a scolarly way, using methods that have been generally agreed upon within the community of scholars, and society at large for that matter, that has credibility and validity. At this point, no longer are we simply learning about what others have said and done, but are becoming one of those others, using the same types of methods they have. It's the difference between learning about and becoming.

When I look back on goals I had 20-plus years ago, one of them was to feel good and positive most of the time. To my amazement, I have. And my doctoral program has helped me do that. It's boosed my self-confidence, opened up a whole new world, enabled me to develop skills I never knew I had, and make a lot of new friends and acquaintances.

Perhaps more interesting, in terms of where I started when beginning this blog, I'm no longer interested in either becoming rich or having a man in my life. Not that I'd turn down either, but my focus is now on how best to use whatever potential I have as a human being to make the world a little bit better of a place for all--including myself!

When it rains, it pours!

Here I've gone months, even years, not posting and now two in one day. And both in the same vein!

After I finished writing my last post, I received an e-mail from a friend--one of those inspirational kinds that friends like to send. This one, however, provided a perfect example of what I'd just been talking about--what being on a higher level of development actually looks like--as well as the influences in our lives that help determine that development. Without further ado...

Need Washing?

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been six years old, this beautiful red-haired, freckle-faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning, just inside the Target door.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I get lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing, so carefree as a child, came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in. "Mom let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Let's run through the rain!" she repeated.

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated, "Mom, let's run through the rain."

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning,"the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?"

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, "If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"

The entire crowd stopped, dead silent. You couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But, this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If God lets us get wet, well, maybe we just needed washing," Mom replied.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling, and laughing as they darted past the cars and through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads, just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Faith and Personal Development

I just wrote a blurb on another TypePad blog with a similar name to mine, the owner of which describes himself as a "baby boomer minister." I was directed to his blog via a Wikipedia article on stages of faith.

One of the areas I'm examining for my dissertation--specifically my literature review--is stages of development. I've noticed that the developmental level someone (I'm looking at adults here) has attained, directly relates to their reaction to a "text"--the subject of my research. (I define "text" as a cultural artifact that results from an author-->message-->medium-->recipient process.) I'm trying to find out what causes one person to have a profound reaction to a text (e.g., a movie such as many describe in relation to a number of movies including Titanic, Brokeback Mountain, Pride and Prejudice, and Harold and Maude), or lack such a reaction. Exactly what makes the difference and how does it occur?

In the course of my investigation, I came upon a developmental model related to stages of faith. After reading it, here's the thought that popped into my head, that I shared with the "baby boomer minister."

I Choose vs. I'm Right

The purpose of faith and the religions formed around it, is to serve the believer. To the extent that the believer can adopt a position of "I choose" vs. "I'm right," they are able to apply the principles embodied by the religion to grow in and through that faith and thereby, improve their lives.

Those who take an "I'm right" position cannot focus on applying the principles of their faith to their own lives because they are, instead, invested in an ego and power-battle with others to establish dominance. The reason for the difference relates to personal development (cognitive, psychological, moral, and spiritual).

The goal of a religious leader, be he/she priest, minister, rabbi, mullah, or teacher, should be to support followers and congregants in their personal development--one that leads to adopting the "I choose" position. How much easier it would be to sit down and talk with each other to resolve problems, were that the case!

P.S. Paige, if you read this, I found a book that very much relates to the one you are writing and explains why one person makes a commitment to an "inspired" life direction while another does not.

Talk about "a while!"

It's been two years since I last wrote. Since then I've been dealing with a new bout of breast cancer, chemo, radiation, heart failure (from chemo), finishing my doctorate--and most important, getting well. In these two years I have learned so much I don't know where to start, so will just hit a few highlights.

Although this round of chemo when added to the last nuked my heart, the good news is that it MIGHT repair itself at some point AND Social Security has approved me for disability. Therefore, I don't have to worry about being left in the position I was when I started this blog--no job, no income, and a lot of fear (although tendered with hope). While my current income is just barely enough to scrape by on, it's sure better than none. Plus, school is preparing me to do work I'm far better cut out for--academia, including research and writing. And, slowly but surely, I am getting better. I'm expecting that to continue and have had to develop a lot of patience. Not a bad thing to learn.

As for school, it's value is almost indescribable. Talk about therapeutic! I've now finished my coursework (with a 4.0 GPA), passed my comprehensive exam, (all 60 pages and 128 references of it), not only with flying colors, but glittering ones! It appears I have a knack for academia. With my 2.3 undergraduate GPA, who knew? I'm now starting my dissertation and expect to graduate next spring. I'll then be an educational neuropsychologist--perhaps the first. It's the only title I could think of that adequately describes my field--a combination of education, psychology, and neuroscience. I find it utterly fascinating!

I have another book to recommend that isn't just inspirational, it's mind blowing! It's called Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks. (I'll put in the links later.) The message is not unique but is uniquely expressed. Not only that but neuroscience supports the book's premises.

For the first time in my life, I'm beginning to believe I may actually achieve the "big things" my mentor insists I can--ncluding overcoming my health problems. Yeah!

ASTD Conference and School Update

All I can say about the ASTD (American Society for Training and Development) conference is WOW! Sure was a worthwhile experience. First, the presenters were a cut above. Most not only possessed expertise, but were excellent presenters. I came away with was a sense that things, they are a-changin.'

The shift from a manufacturing to a knowledge-based economy has huge implications for both the way we conduct "business" (not just in the private sector, but the public sector too) and the way we train people to do it. Probably the most recurrent theme was the need of organizations to facilitate collaboration to take advantage of human capital and knowledge. The "stove piped" structures of the manufacturing age just aren't cutting it. Even the military is beginning to abandon the "command and control" paradigm--at least in some areas.

Adult education has always focused on adult's needs for practical solutions and the ability to learn from each other. Those needs have now come to the forefront of the training mindset.

Another recurrent theme was the increasing pace of life--personal and work--and the need to use people's time and attention in training effectively and efficiently. That translates to eliminating boring instruction and ensuring that skills and knowledge acquired during training are applied back on the job. One of the most informative and lively sessions was conducted by Dr. Michael Allen entitled "No More Boring E-Learning." (Perusal of his company's website will make the message crystal clear!)

In addition to the fascinating information, it was wonderful to have a chance to get to know many of my colleagues within my company, as well as new people--many from other countries. A woman I spoke with from Kenya was facing the same issues of how to train better and faster with fewer resources. A zoolegist, she came to the conference to learn new skills related to motivating and training people who work in her agency. Same thing w/ trainers from a bank in Turkey.

Also bought my books and downloaded required articles for my new doctoral classes starting Monday. Found many of the same themes echoed in what I read. Of particular interest is the concept of "participatory action research." And here I thought I had the basics of academic research down in my master's program. Boy how thinking has changed in 25 years! It's a complete paradigm shift and related to the same themes I heard throughout the ASTD Conference. Got to love synchronicity!

As far as what this all means for my quest from rags to riches, am concluding I'll likely end up abandoning the riches part in favor of "comfortable and financially secure." Sure never want to go through what I have for the last three years again but riches? Takes a committment I don't think I'm willing to make at this time in my life. Just don't see the value of pursuing riches at the expense of personal satisfaction (consistent with the kind of "transitions" that come with middle age--according to the book I'm reading, Transitions).

How many PhDs in education do you know who are rich? Bill Cosby, maybe, but that's because his riches accured from being an entertainer, not an educational PhD. I want to provide a secure enough base to develop my natural talents and capabilities in order to make a contribution. If I can do that, I'll feel my life has been worthwhile. But I sure wouldn't turn down riches that just happen along, either!

And You May Call Me Dr. Fon!

Not quite yet, but in a little over two years. I've enrolled in a doctoral program in education (professional studies) at Capella University. It's 100% online but not one of those diploma mills you hear about. They're fully accredited and from the course and requirements description, the program appears as rigorous as any I've seen. However, they don't make you jump through a million hoops before accepting you like most other programs. And the fact that it's all online saves countless hassles commuting to and from class, not to mention time.

The clincher for me was the fact that they'd accept almost all (24 semester hours) from the doctoral programs I was previously enrolled in and dropped out of. Because they're not cheap, I wouldn't have gone for it if they hadn't.

I'll be starting June 7 and hope to finish (dissertation and all) by Sept., '06. Fortunately, I know exactly what I want to do for my dissertation research and have wanted to do it for quite awhile.

Starting tomorrow I'm attending the American Society for Training and Development (ASTD) conference which is in DC this year. There are around eight other people from my company going and I've set up a community blog for us to post to during the conference. This should be interesting.

Will explain more about my dissertation topic after the conference. I'm really excited about this. Finishing a doctorate has been a goal for a long time. I just didn't think I'd be able to pull it off. Now if I can just keep my head on straight, not to mention keep my job for another two-plus years, I'll have completed a major life goal. And boy does the prospect of that feel good!

Looks like my tale of rags to riches is taking an unexpected but very pleasant turn!

About "Breakup Lines"

Wow! When I posted below that: "He wants someone who makes him feel whole and I don't want that responsibility. I feel I'm already whole and just want to enhance my life and have fun being together," I didn't intend that as any kind of "line" but as an explanation about what some of the major issues were that led to our parting romantic ways. The fact that both people who responded thought of it as a line (which I tend to think of as something rehearsed to produce a specific effect) really surprised me.

I admit that I did do some rehearsing but more to ensure I didn't come across as accusatory or judgmental (it's YOUR fault because you're a __________), and instead, addressed the underlying issue. As I held imaginary conversations with myself, what came out was that I believed we were simply mismatched because we wanted different things from a relationship. That's probably true with most breakups, when you get down to it and stop placing blame on anyone.

I guess he'd been thinking about it, too, since he told me about an episode of Seinfeld where George is told by a girlfriend who's breaking up with him that it isn't him, it's her. George goes ballastic and tells the woman that she can't say that because it's HIS breakup line; he invented it!

To me, that's still placing blame rather than simply figuring out and then explaining the underlying problem. Only it's blaming self rather than the other person. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, in my book. I suppose it's the contrived "line" part that disturbs me. Are people so afraid of just telling the truth that they have to try and manipulate? Are people such bad judges of character that they get involved w/ psychos who they have to "handle" to prevent stalking or worse?

I wonder why so many breakups, particularly of marriages, are so acrimonious. Do people let resentments build up so far that by the time they're ready to take the bull by the horns and get out of the relationship that they dispise the other person? What's up with that? Sounds like a case of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. If the relationship isn't working, change its form so it does. If the person was someone you liked well enough to get involved with in the first place, then why eliminate them from your life, altogether? This has never made a bit of sense to me--except, perhaps, in those cases where the other person was so underhanded and sneaky that there really were no signs to see until all hell broke lose. But since I've never really had one of those, it's hard for me to imagine there weren't some kind of signs earlier on.

So, folks, why is it so hard to just examine a situation and tell the other person the truth once you're clear you don't belong together, romantically?

By the way, jury duty was incredibly enlightening. I was so affected by the experience that I even missed American Idol last night because I felt the need to call and talk to a fellow juror. Yes, now you know I'm addicted along with all those 14-year old girls. However, I've yet to vote, much less vote incessantly for the whole two hours their phone lines are open! I'll talk about my experience w/ the justice system a bit later. Needed to deal with this "breakup line" business now and hope someone will have some thoughtful response to give.

Jury Duty

Today I report for jury duty. It's my first go at it. After seeing several programs on TV about gross miscarriages of justice, I welcome the opportunity to do my civic duty and try to insure that doesn't happen on my watch. But I'll probably end up with a case of drunk and disorderly or some such thing. Hope it's not some long, drawn-out trial, though as I can't afford the time off from work.

Other big news is that the new "relationship" is now an "old" relationship, by mutual agreement. Nice when it happens that way. Shows you've got something in common after all. Also much less taxing for both parties. We just didn't have much in common from our taste in music (a song that just knocks me out and sends me reeling, emotionally, he said put him to sleep), to what we wanted out of a relatioship. He wants someone who makes him feel whole and I don't want that responsibility. I feel I'm already whole and just want to enhance my life and have fun being together. Turns out we simply live in two different worlds.

We've agreed to remain friends, but I don't expect much to come from that for the same reason we decided not to continue the "romantic" part. So, another one bites the dust. That's okay since I found it very difficult to conduct a romance from the confines of this cramped RV that's still home and likely will be for awhile.

Have to get ready for my first day of jury duty and will talk more about the "home" front at another time.

Syonara!

Just an Update

It's been a while. Life has certainly changed since I've rejoined the ranks of the employed and resumed dating. There's just not a lot of free time available and what there is, it gets assigned to other things.

In addition, I've been sick a lot. I had to postpone my second interview with my employer (beginning of January) due to a bad cold. A few weeks ago I got a bladder infection which was followed immediately by another bad cold--this time of the chest variety. It's been over two weeks and I'm still coughing and have gravel-voice. Don't think I've ever had two colds so close together. Apparently, this one's making the rounds as my friend, Elizabeth, in CT has it, too.

This has been a very long day for some reason--probably a result of a lack of sleep. I've got to start getting to bed earlier. I'm stuck at work waiting for something to come from a subcontractor or rush hour to be over--whichever comes first--and writing this to help stay awake in the meantime. Most days I'm thoroughly involved in my job but it's tough when you're in wait mode and just want to close your eyes and sleep.

Will try to make more time for a "thoughtier" response in the near future. Either that or I'm going to cancel this account. No point having a blog if I'm not going to post to it.

On a parting note, it is interesting how much things have changed from the time I started it as Jon and Fon's trek from rags to riches. Haven't heard a word from Jon (thankfully) since I told him I preferred to change into "friend" mode--despite his many promises to always be in my life, yada, yada, yada. (My new guy is so much more clued in and "count-on-able"). And I've essentially given up on the idea of riches in place of basic security. Guess that's what they (whomever "they" are) mean when they say that the only thing you can count on in life is change. Hey hey!

Rejoining the Ranks of the Employed

Yesterday marked the end of my first week of gainful, full-time employment. Yeah! I didn't want to post about it before the possibility became a reality, but one week is real enough.

Just before Christmas, saw an ad for an instructional designer with a company for which I'd formerly worked in the late 80s, at which I'd been happy and successful. Having zero trust in the conventional hiring system at this point, took the bull by the horns and called a guy I'd previously worked with who was still there. He couldn't have been more helpful, forwarded my resume and talked me up to the hiring manager.

I had two interviews, received a very nice offer two days later, and started a week after that. So far, I'm very happy, not just to be working again and getting a regular paycheck, but oddly, feel like I've returned home. You'd think I'd experience some nervousness and apprehension but that hasn't happened and I don't expect that it will. Perhaps it's an outcome of a good fit. I don't know and don't really care.

I've noticed a decided difference between my perspective and that of my co-workers, many of whom seem to get their panties in a bunch over things I consider trivial. That, I'm sure, is a consequence of knowing what it's like to have no job and no income, at all. I don't say anything as they'd likely neither appreciate nor understand my amusement over their hand-wringing. This result alone may prove worth the year of awfulness I've gone through. I doubt I'd be able to maintain the priorities I have, had I not experienced being so down and out.

On another note, tonight I will have my first "date" in years. I'm going out for a celebratory dinner (my new job and birthday which is Monday, Jan. 19) with a fellow I met online via http://www.craigslist.org (free) several months ago. The weather report is for the dreaded "wintery mix," so we may end up having to postpone, but no biggie. We really want to meet and so we shall.

So, gang, things are certainly looking up in my little corner of the planet. This new year has gotten off to a very nice start!

Monday Message

It gets lonely on this side of the pen. No pungent smell of bread baked by loving hands of yesteryear, no muted titters of childhood, tender touches of youth, or familiar eyes to peer into yours and brighten your soul. Only the whirring of the space heater and raindrops making never-ending circles in the puddles outside my window.

There’s so much I long to say, so much I want us to know so the world can be better and we can be happy. Perhaps, through the telling, the message may find its way from the center of the knowledge into hearts where all things are possible, and then wend its winged way back home.

There are so many of us now. So very many crying out to be seen and known and heard. So many hands reaching out for the earth and its bounty. So many souls wandering, lost, hearts bleeding, bellies grumbling. Such a cacophony of pain arising all around, feeding on itself, making it hard to hear the sole raindrop falling softly on winter ground. Yet we must listen as it will be gone soon enough—lost, unique, amidst all the other raindrops.

So, I say to you, my friend, we must learn to listen. Listen outside, with tenderness, with compassion, with curiosity. Listen deeply to sounds we’ve never heard before. Listen fully for the new experience waiting for us. And listen internally to the deepest notes arising from our own hearts, trying to make their way to our ears, the sound becoming a raindrop—one that may one day sooth our tired throats and parch our endless thirst. Listen and drink.

Demarcation II

Just figured out how to turn on categories. In the process, discovered a previous post which I believe is now archived. In it, I talked about the demarcation between internal and external--between thinking/feeling and doing, and what makes the difference in actually having.

I've felt an internal shift in the last few weeks. Part, perhaps the most important part, came from one of those "ah ha's" about what makes me tick and why I do and don't do certain things. This discovery came via a discussion w/ my friend, Debbie (a social worker). She's like an "ah ha" magnet for me (and I think, I am one for her, too. We take turns.)

Following this particular self-realization (a significant one), I began to feel and act a little differently, to the point of not feeling as helpless or worthless as I had been. Simultaneously, I got some positive feedback about my skills and abilities from several new acquaintances. That surely didn't hurt. Was it a result of my newfound confidence or was it coincidence? Hard to say but my guess is there's some relationship between internal state and external results.

I felt perfectly confident going into both these job interviews and both turned out well. Hopefully, one will result in a job. This, too, was a result of feeling better about myself, I have no doubt. Good old self-esteem. It seems to be key.

Sitting on the positive side of the self-confidence continuum, I can say that there seems to be a correlation between the type of energy one puts out and the results one gets. Perhaps being in a positive state with positive energy provides a foundation for positive action that attracts positive results. That makes sense. The problem is what to do when stuck in a negative state. And those states can rise up fast and furious when you're not looking and knock you on your proverbial arse!

I'd have to say, given recent events, the answer seems to lie in finding a Debbie and digging as deeply into yourself and your blocks/issues as possible. Those ah ha's, in my experience, can be pretty powerful. Maybe we're closer to them and more able to uncover them when we're stuck in the middle of one. Perhaps that's the silver lining in this particular cloud.

Progress on the Job Front

Yesterday I had two interviews. They both went very well. I have a second interview at one company tomorrow and another next Monday. I have a very good feeling about both and wouldn't be terribly shocked if I ended up with offers from both. But I don't want to get ahead of myself so will cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

"But how do you intend to get rich working for someone else?" you may be asking yourself. You don't. Not usually, anyway. There are tales of secretaries who started with Microsoft, bought bunches of shares of stock when it was still cheap and are now millionaires (think billionaire is reserved for Gates). But that's uncommon. However, except for lottery winners and successful bank robbers, no one goes from rags to riches overnight. It takes time. Not only that, but riches doesn't necessarily mean the financial variety. There are other types as many happy but financially modest folks will tell you.

The last three years of my life have been hell, plain and simple. What I need first and foremost right now is some emotional and financial security. A job will provide both in an immediate way. I don't see it as a cop-out but as a result of knowing myself and what I need to move forward.

My first goal is to settle up my bills. Next comes getting the hell out of this RV and into a real home. Of course, I plan to continue working on my personal projects on the side, as time and energy permit as I don't see the riches--at least the financial ones--coming via a job.

I'll post more on progress. What a nice Christmas present a nice, shiny new job would be!

Internet Dating

After three months since telling Jon I prefered a friendship to a romantic relationship and hearing nary another word from him, I took the plunge and placed a personals ad in craigslist. For anyone unfamiliar with craigslist, it's a well of free resources by city. I don't know who craig is but he's got to sleep peacefully at night knowing what a valuable service he provides for so many people.

Received 15 - 20 responses. Some were from horny 20-somethings, a few from married men, and some from fellas seeking a Cindy Crawford lookalike. But no matter, the ones with potential will stick. Right now only one seems to have stuck in there but there are a few more on aol I haven't responded to due to some weirdness with aol's servers. When I've tried to respond to an aol subscriber, my e-mails have bounced back with a note that they seem to think I'm a spammer. What's up with that?

I'm wondering what the percentages of true potentials is. With only a few exceptions (offensive or totally ineligibles), I've responded to every inquiry I've received in my normal no-nonsense style. Maybe providing the URL for this blog was a mistake. How many men want to be stradled w/ someone so down on their luck? But, I suppose, Mr. Right won't mind. He can't or he won't be Mr. Right, will he?

So, we'll see. If you, dear reader, have tried the Internet dating route, won't you let me know what your experience has been and how many e-mails you think I'll have to write before finding a "good 'un?"

Saddam Hussein is Captured -- Yeah!

I woke up this morning to a good 3" of snow and turned on the news to find out how bad the roads were, only to hear a special report on the capture of Saddam Hussein. I fully expected, as I listened, to learn that he was dead. He's not. We captured him without gunshots or bloodshed. How unexpected.

The news has reported some details of the capture and is punditizing the ramifications on the war, as well as the upcoming presidential election. So far, no speculation on what's going to happen to Hussein now. To me, that seems to be one of the most pressing questions. It's where and how he is tried, in my opinon, that will likely affect the state of affairs in Iraq and the presidential election.

What will happen if we try him? What will happen if Iraq does? What about the World Court?

Ah, as was I'm typing, Dan Rather just poised the question to Senator Joe Biden (D) of Delaware who thinks Hussein should be tried by Iraq with oversight by the World Court.

While this tyrant's capture is certainly wonderful news, what I selfishly want to know is how this will help me find a job and get out of the mess of my life!